An Open Letter to Myself...
Happiness is a funny concept. It's something we are all wanting to achieve so badly but for some us, it is extremely difficult to grasp what real happiness is. I don't need to sit here and tell you all that DREAM has been growing at an absolutely rapid pace. I also don't need to tell you that nothing has made me happier than not only having to work for myself, but also being able to help others get out of financial situations and help them get into therapy at no cost.
What I do need to tell you is that there is something wrong with me and I can't shake it anymore. It almost feels like no matter how much good happens to me or people around me I still feel awful. I go through episodes of imposter syndrome the way we all went through TV shows on Netflix in the beginning of quarantine.
I feel like I am nothing, a nobody. Sometimes I don't even feel my soul in my body. There is this emptiness that is consuming me like a black hole and I can't figure out why. Why is this happening? Everything is going so well. Everyone around me is so happy with everything me and my brand has done for them. But why me? Why can't I just smile? Why can't I let the past go? Why do I still search for more when I have everything I've ever wanted in front of me.
My kids, my wife, whatever friends I have left, all my family...they keep me happy but sometimes I feel like I'm just a disappointment to all of them. I should be able to do more but I can't. It's hard to be able to express these emotions without feeling invalidated all the time either because I'm not someone people would really look at as someone who deserves sympathy. I have it all. Beautiful wife, amazing kids, a roof over my head, a growing brand, a vision to keep pushing things forward, and a mind that never stops working.
But it's not enough....it never will be.
I relate so much to Superhero movies and protagonists in video games because I always want to be the one that saves the day. Even if it is going to negatively affect me I want to make sure that someone else is happy before I am. Maybe that needs to stop? But how? Have you ever noticed how the superhero really never gets their happy ending? It's happened before but it's all usually due to something that will only take place in a fantasy world and not in real life. Where is my happiness? What is my happy ending? Do I deserve one?
Maybe it's the pandemic. Maybe it's my constant battle with imposter syndrome. Maybe it's the fact that I keep comparing myself to people who are way above me. Maybe it's the major gap left by the friends I've lost contact with. Maybe it's the fact that so many bridges were burnt with people I love and respect. Maybe it's my culture. Maybe it's the fact that I get so much torment from people about the fact that I share a name with a famous content creator. Maybe it's the nasty troll comments on our Instagram. Maybe it's the fact that the biggest thing I fear in life is dying. Or maybe I was never meant to be happy.
As of this writing I am currently sitting in my new office with the lights turned down with a sad piano playing in the background off this YouTube playlist and this was the only way I could get out what I was feeling. This may be a cry out for help but I don't want anyone to worry about me. I am so fearful of losing my life that I promise to never cause any harm to myself or anyone around me. I'm just lost and I'm not sure where I can go from here.
Staring at this screen seeing all the things we need to do in order to keep people happy and get them their products on time weights on me heavy too. You have no idea how hard I work and push people to get things done faster for DREAM. It's so rare that you find a clothing brand (especially in streetwear) that cares so damn much about how fast they get items out. It's not about the hype here, it's much more about validating this idea that I can take this backwards industry and create beauty out of it that brings people together.
But why? Why did I bother if all I'm going to do is sit around and worry so much. I know I was always meant to work for myself but why didn't I just tuck my tail between my legs and rise up the corporate ladder. Maybe then I could have just shut off at times and not have to worry 24/7...but I know that wouldn't make me happy either. It all goes back to the idea that I will never be satisfied with anything and that is such a terrible feeling.
I'm not sure where this is all going to go but I really hope that whether it is me, my wife, or my kids running this that they can keep this message going until the end of time. I hate that I constantly feel this way and I know I'm not alone in this. I know a lot of you who are reading this are relating to most of the words I am saying and I want you to know that we are going to figure this out one way or another.
When you are done reading this please take a step back and evaluate where you are right now as I am about to do and figure out where you need to go in order to find happiness and make a plan to achieve it by any means necessary. I will do my best and fight as hard as I can for it and I hope I survive on my way to doing so.
Thank you for reading this and just know that I am working extremely hard to move mountains to make great things happen for not only the people reading this, but for the rest of the world. Together we will change the world, I am going to make sure that I bring my best self to make that happen.
Until next time,
Sammy C. Sucu