Back when DREAM was just a small operation that did not take up much time, I was able to connect with everyone more. Lately...I feel like I haven't really been doing it as much.
The truth is, I'm tired. Not physically tired from the daily grind and constantly working on my passion...I'm mentally tired.
Imposter Syndrome is not a fun thing to deal with. Constantly feeling like I don't deserve any of this or none of this is real is something I deal with daily. When I feel like I've actually accomplished something, I start to feel like it's not enough. My therapist recently asked me about what happiness looks like to me. I wasn't able to answer the question...and this was a few months ago.
I still don't know the answer.
Is happiness a weird concept? It's not a permanent feeling for most. It's something you quickly feel from time to time, but it doesn't ever stick. Why? Is being content with everything that happiness is advertised to be? I still haven't figured it out when it comes to my happiness. The love I get from my two boys and my wife fills me with joy unlike any other, but outside of that, I'm not sure if I feel true happiness anymore...and that needs to change.
I remember the joy I used to get when I first started DREAM. Every picture we got in from a fan showing off their clothing used to make me smile uncontrollably. Every time a donor shouted us out or sent us cards and thank you's, I used to feel like I was on top of the world. The sound of hearing my phone buzz with a new order coming in was the best in the world.
And now? Most notifications of anything is muted. I barely see the pictures anymore unless I look out for them. Typically the messages I see are of someone complaining about an order delay. However, my team and I have taken every possible step to let people know we are working on so much right now. Out of fear of seeing something that may hurt me, I rarely look. The donors' messages and love aren't received with the same feeling. The phone buzz and noise from a new order? It's muted. I used to look forward to waking up in the morning to see all the action from the night before, but now I don't even want to look at my phone when I wake up anymore...it's pretty sad.
Whoever I have left in my life, outside of my home, have expressed their concerns with me...and I don't blame them...I'm not the same. I have lost that passion that drove me every day, and I need to get it back...but I just don't know how to. My team has asked me if I'm okay on numerous occasions. They see my pain. They know how much I hate upsetting supporters of my brand, but they know that I'm at the mercy of the world we live in right now with shipping, supply chains, etc. They may not know about the imposter syndrome issue...but that may be obvious if you talk to me enough.
Will I ever be happy? I don't know. Happiness needs to be defined to me. The happiest people I see are truly carefree. I always thought being selfish was bad, but show me someone who puts themselves ahead of everything else. I'll probably show you someone very happy.
Am I going to start to learn how to be more selfish? Probably. I don't think I've cared about my personal happiness for a very long time. I felt like I was put on this earth to help others. My therapist calls it "superhero complex," and if that's the case, you can call me Steve Rogers.
I'm not here to tell you that I've given up on my life and that I'm just going to go through the motions. I'm here spilling my heart out to let you all know how I've been feeling because you all deserve to know. I'm hurting, and I'm down, but I'm not out. I've bounced back so many times in my life, and I'm not planning on stopping now. As I'm writing this, I'm even starting to feel like a weight is coming off of my shoulders too. I'm going to make it and so are you.
I want to leave you all with this.
No matter how long it takes.
No matter what we do.
I will find a way to make you happy and content because every time you support DREAM you support me, and I will work my ass off to make sure you come away happy. Not everything is always in my control. In fact, at this time in the world nothing is even close to being in my control or the control of anyone.
Although it's been hard for me to dream lately, I will never stop dreaming, and I hope you never stop either.
I love you all, always and forever.
- Sammy Dreamin'